Bathroom CATastrohpies
by beemanic
Summary: CRACK. AU: Xion really didn't like cats. Or at least, that's what she tried to tell the very attractive, and very much naked man now squished awkwardly in her bathtub. -Various Pairings-


**Why? Because I love and hate Xion more than I let on, and I love putting people though absolute misery. Oh, and I love kittens. That too. c:**

**The important thing to realize here, is that this is indeed CRACK, but I can't bring myself to write everyone as a screaming idiot. So remember. CRACK, but with people as in-character as possible. Now, I don't even know why I started this story, only that I practically have it all written in my head, so hopefully I won't be notroriously late in updates. AN IMPORTANT NOTE to know is that the idea behind this story has already been done, and I realize it. I read the story when it first came out a good two/three years ago in the Naruto fandom. I'm trying to look for it, to credit the original author with her idea, but it's been so long I can't find it D: I would love, love, looooove it if someone who knew about it did find it for me, so I can credit this brilliant idea. IDEA. Not actual fic. **

**Anyway, I own nothing, as usual. Reviews are always nice, and I would like feedback since this is really.. My first crack fic. ;-;**

**PAIRINGS: Xion/Axel. Xion/Roxas. Zemyx, and others. Pairings subject to change at my whims. c:**

**Enjoy~**

**

* * *

**

**1: Karma is Indeed, the Ultimate Bitch  
**_In which reality pretty much goes down the shitter, along with sanity._

Xion really didn't like cats.

No really.  
She didn't.

There was nothing _great_ about them in the first place, she had long decided.

Cats were smelly, impetuous little fiends that enjoyed clawing up her furniture, her shoes, and her favorite Hello Kitty princess pillow when she was nine. _And_ they made her sneeze.

So all of this, the soon-to-be college freshman insisted, justified her grudge against the furballs.  
Cause dammit, she loved her Hello Kitty pillow.

Xion wasn't a bad person, don't get me wrong. She was sweet, a little shy, and always ready to give someone a bit of a hand if they needed it. She kept out of scrapes with her parents (most of the time), didn't do drugs, didn't smoke, didn't drink, and kept away from, you know, bad influences. Her grades were okay, decent enough to get her into a decent college, and now she was living with her aunt for the summer, she was waiting to start a decent life for herself.

That's what Xion was.  
Decent; Average; Normal.

She just didn't like cats.

So as she slumped down on the soft white leather couch of her aunt's place, the petite female could only stare blankly at the frayed cardboard box at her feet and wonder… _What did I do to deserve this?!_

All Xion had wanted to do as she plowed thought the muggy, way-to-hot-for-nice-hair weather home, library books in hand, was to sit in front of the air conditioner and bask in full-powered cold. Maybe even with a frozen Paopu treat to munch on, or at least some ice-cold iced tea to chill her innards (which _must _have been sweating in this weather).

But no.

Whatever selfish, Xion-hating gods were up there decided it wouldn't be so.

She had tripped over an inconspicuous cardboard box, spilled her books all over the front porch, possibly massacred an innocent little lawn gnome, and scraped her knee. When turning to face her assailant, Xion was surprised, and a little confused, to see the innocent-looking cardboard box.

Her aunt wasn't expecting any packages, and Xion hadn't yet succumbed to E-Bay's tentacular clutches, so the seventeen year old had no idea what to make of the box.

Gathering up her belongings and wiping off the khaki shorts she wore, Xion stared at the box for a few moments, tilting her head to the side. It was slightly worn, with tiny holes neatly cut on some places. The flaps were neatly folded on the top, with no tape to secure whatever was inside it. It bore no postmark, only a few words written neatly in black marker.

**The course of true love never did run smooth.**

Xion stared at the box for a few more seconds, eyebrow quirked. What was that supposed to mean? Did she have some sort of creepy stalker? Was the box even safe?

She silently stuck out a sandal'd foot, and nudged the box for confirmation.

It shook.

Holding in a gasp of fright, lest she awaken the inexplicable terror that could very well be lurking in said box, Xion fumbled with her small, star-shaped shoulder bag, finally producing a set of keys. The little Domo keychain offered her no comfort in her plight with The Box. Nearly dropping them in her haste, it was a miracle Xion even got the door open.

"Aqua? Are you home?" she called into the sunny little apartment, "Hey! There's a package out here! Did you order anything?"

But only silence answered her.  
Just grrrreat.

Xion once more glanced at The Box, half expecting it to lunge out at her.  
Almost in response, it shook once more.

"Alright, then. Well, Mr. Box, I'm Xion."

The Box was slient.

"You're not going to eat me, right?"

Silence.

"Okay, Mr. Box. As long as you're not some demonic creature come to murder me in my sleep.."

More slience.

"Then I guess I'll bring you inside now.."

One trip to her undecorated room to drop off her things, near-fatal trip down the stairs, and stream of curses later, Xion found herself unceremoniously dragging the cardboard box inside the cool apartment and shutting the door behind her with a slam to prevent the loss of anymore precious cold air.

Xion stood mutely in the bright living room, hands on her hips and staring at The Box. She sighed, running a pale, thin little hand through her hair; messing up the short, raven locks rather than calming herself. Well, she decided, might as well open it.

_If it kills me, Naminѐ can have my Chocobo plushie._  
Xion resigned to her mental will with another sigh.

She reached out, took the soft flaps in hand, and opened it.

This, of course, brings us to where we last left Xion.  
Sitting down, wide eyed, and very, very confused.

For what was in the box, but four fluffy, utterly adorable, and mewling kittens?  
..Did I mention how much Xion disliked cats?

"What. The. Fuuuuuuck."  
(Decent girls were allowed to curse in situations like this, Xion decided.)

She bit her lip, leaning out from her position on the couch, and peered over into The Box. Nope, kittens still in there. The petite female groaned, placing a pale hand over her forehead to wipe away the beads of sweat that had accumulated there in a sad attempt to placate herself. What had she done to deserve this? Sure, she _could_ be a little snippy sometimes, but Xion always thought she was a _nice_ girl. A _good_ girl.

Apparently, the gods of irony and woe did not think so.

She peered over at the kittens again, ocean blue eyes wide.

Four. She counted four little furry monsters, squirming around the box and trying to find a way out. Xion tentatively reached out, looking at her little problems more closely.

This _cannot_ be happening.  
No, no, no, no, noooo—

"Mrooow~" There was a thump on her lap, and Xion nearly jumped out of her skin along with it. She looked down at her lap, where one of the little buggers decided to situate its furry little butt on her lap. _Her_ lap, damn it.

"And what do you think _you're_ doing?" she asked, furrowing well-plucked brows at the creature. It looked up at her with the strangest eyes Xion had ever seen (not that she stared at people's eyes, but this was as far as eyes go). They were an iridescent jade, shining brightly with the sun pouring in from the window behind the couch. She was vaguely reminded of the Cheshire Cat at it swished its thick, bushy tail at her.

A tiny sneeze escaped her, and the cat's eyes grew shinier.  
Little rat.

"Alright you, back in the box.." Xion reached out for the cat, scooping it up in her thin arms. It was soft to the touch, the oddly colored fur tickling her skin. She brought the cat up to eye level, which was probably not the safest course of action to take, but hell. If the cat attacked her, at least she had an excuse to call Animal Control and haul their furry asses away.

It really _was_ a strange cat, Xion mused to herself as the cat—It was much too big to really be called a kitten—met her gaze steadily. Those freaky eyes glinted at her the entire time, giving her a weird vibe that swished around somewhere in her abdomen. She _would_ get a freaky ass cat, wouldn't she?

However, she supposed that it did have a nice color to it, as far as cats go. It was almost a chestnut color, though tinted more with a mix of dark reds than anything. And under its eyes, almost like little tattoos (if cats _could _get ink, Xion laughed to herself), where two tiny places where it's fur turned black.

"Mrooow.." the cat crooned again, allowing a small pink tongue to stick out at her. Xion sneezed in response.

"Ugh," she sniffed, "I'm calling a shelter and getting you guys out of my house for good."

The mass of fluff in her arms let out a hiss as Xion dumped it back in the box. At least they had collars, she mused, catching a glimpse of the weird silver tags they carried.

A particularly handsome kitten (this one was much smaller than the auburn one) mewled softly, stopping Xion on her way to the phone. It was such a tiny sound; so small and defenseless..

(One could almost hear Xion's heart breaking).

She looked over at it, only to be mewled at again sweetly. The tiny ball of blonde fluff had shimmied its way up to the glass-topped coffee table, where it sat watching her though bright blue eyes, almost reminiscent of hers. She stared at it as it scratched its little kitty ear and mewled softly for the third time.

Walking over to it, Xion tilted her head to the side. The kitten imitated her, blinking. She caught it's tiny, heat-shaped nose twitching just the slightest bit..

And then she sneezed once more, making the fine hairs on her arms stand on end.  
Damn cats.

"Back in the box you go," she hummed, deftly putting it back in the box, albeit much more gently than she had with the other. Xion huffed, putting her hands on thin hips and peering at her problems. The reddish cat watched her with those strange eyes, and Xion made a point not to look at it.

Four. Four little problems.

Yet there were no nametags, no note, nothing. Just four cats, each with those strange collars..

The blonde fluff of a cat wore a checkered collar of black and white, with.. Was that a silver key? Xion decided not to press the matter, because it reached up a tender little paw at her—padded a soft pink on the bottom—and tried to touch her hand. And damn it, Xion did not want to feel anything for the fluff ball, emotionally or physically. It was a cat. Not something cute and cuddly.

Not after poor Hello Kitty.  
(Xion swore she wasn't type to hold a grudge. Pinky swear.)

A glimpse of bright emerald, and Xion skipped right over Microwave Eyes Cat, even if it's plain black collar held a complex, circular and spiky charm. Another weird vibe rattled though her stomach at the sight of those eyes.

"Freaky little bugger.."

A (Xion could have _sworn_ it was sarcastic) meow was drawled out at her in response.

Squirming around Fluff Ball and Microwave Eyes was another blonde-furred cat; smaller than the red one, yet bigger that the kitten. Its fur was almost a sandy color, and was in desperate need of a cut around the ears. From a neon-green collar shone another silver charm in a weird shape. It looked like a guitar, but…

Bright green eyes blinked up at her, yet were calmer.. So unlike the other cat. A paw reached up to playfully bat her nose, until Xion sneezed it away.

She wiped her nose with a tissue from a nearby Kleenex box and shook her head at Guitar Cat.

And finally, scrunched up into a corner of the box, was the last cat. It had a small frame, with..

"Did they _dye_ your fur?" Xion picked up the slate-blue cat incredulously, bringing it up to eye level in wonder. Sure, cats weren't the best, but.. Dyeing fur wasn't something exactly _acceptable_. She supposed this was another kitten that would need to see a groomer once it got to the shelter. A tuft of fur jutted out from between its ears, and someone had allowed its thin tail to grow ridiculously out of control towards the tip.

"Hmm. Someone's gonna need a haircut," Xion stuck her tongue out at the kitten in her arms, only to watch in bemusement as it lifted up its tail, arched it over its back, and hid one eye behind that mass of tail-fur. All while narrowing its grey eyes at her, with something that looked suspiciously like a scowl. A silver book glinted from its collar all the while.

Emo Cat obviously didn't like her.  
And she couldn't exactly say she liked it.

Depositing the last of the cats back in its box (it slinked back over to the corner and glared), Xion stood and wiped her shirt free of cat hairs, sneezing once more, officially regretting her decision to wear her favorite baggy black shirt and pick up even one cat.

Once more resorting to the stash of Kleenex on the coffee table, Xion sniffled her way over to the phone, dialing in one of the numbers from the emergency list stuck beside it.

"Hello, Radiant Garden Animal Shelter, how may I help you?"

Ah, the sound of salvation.

"Yes, um. I have a bit of a problem. Someone dropped off a few cats on my doorstep, and uh.. I kinda don't want them?" Xion trailed off, trying not to feel silly (or guilty, but she wouldn't even admit that to herself).

"Oh, abandoned cats, huh?" the voice on the other line tsk'd, as if this wasn't new, "How many?"

"Four. I think two are adults and two are kittens," she muttered, trying to push the sweet little blonde ball of fluff out her mind. _Cats are bad!_ she told herself, _Don't let them get to you!_

"Mm. Males or females?"

Shiiiiiit.

"Um. I don't really know, I haven't checked.." Xion _really_ didn't want to go back there. She silently dreaded having to pick up Emo Cat again.

"Oh, well that's okay. The shelter has room for them, and we'll do our best to find them good homes."

Xion almost let out a sigh of relief.

"However—" Her stomach dropped. "—We're going to be closing in a few minutes, so you'll have to bring them over tomorrow."

Oh yes, the gods really _did_ hate her.

"O-Oh. Okay. I guess I'll drop them off around.. Ten tomorrow morning?" she muttered, biting her lip and playing with the hem of her shirt nervously.

"Alright, I'll see you at ten…"

"Xion."

"See you at ten, Xion!"

A _click_, and her hope went down right along with the phone as she put it back on the receiver.

Xion padded over the soft, beige carpet and approached The Box once more, peering at it though her bangs. Yep, still four. Four little problems.

She tsk'd, "Well. I guess I'm stuck with you guys for the rest of the day. Might as well clean you up."

Xion grumbled to herself, beginning to lug the box over to the bathroom, feeling very much sorry for herself. And rightly so.

Sure, she didn't like cats.  
But she hated _dirty_ cats.

And Lord only knows where these things have been.

* * *

Sitting in a room surrounded with just about every towel Aqua owned, Xion sat with her hair in a tiny ponytail and The Box next to her. The bathtub was filled with a shallow pool of warm water, and Xion was well equipped with a pair of yellow rubber gloves, sweet-smelling shampoo, and the showerhead lying beside her.

"Okay.." she looked at The Box, "Who wants to go first?"

Almost instantly, the auburn cat sprang up, shoving the blonde fluffball out of the way in its haste. Xion noted how the eyes glinted at her, and the bushy tail swished slowly behind it. It crooned a husky meow at her in response to her quirked eyebrow.

"Al-_righty_ then. Freaky cat goes first," she muttered, picking it up gingerly, "Eager beaver, I guess. Please don't scratch me.. I really don't want your kitty diseases…"

But the auburn cat didn't protest, didn't meow again or hiss. It merely watched her, jade eyes shining with whatever kitty intent it had, as she held it. Xion decided not to comment on how it was so _warm_; for all she knew, the cat could be sick and running a fever. It could all just have been a mad plot to get her sick, but Xion didn't linger too much on the sick motives of a cat. She might have been forced to think about the paranoia/growing insanity behind her thoughts if she did so.

So she lifted it to the tub, bracing herself for a mad attack, and gently lowered Microwave Eyes cat into the shallow water.

She waited, expecting it to attack once more, as it just sat its catself down and watched her with glinting eyes.

Nothing.

And _just_ as she was about to breathe a sigh of relief…

There was a _pop_, and a cloud of smoke filled the room instantly, clouding her vision.

Xion screamed, shielding her eyes as The Box's kitty inhabitants began to all meow and yowl at once. She knew it! This _was_ all some sick kitty plot to kill her, or infect her with rabies!

So she waited there, as the smoke began to clear away, and succumbed to her fate of death-by-scheming-cats.

_Well_, she thought,_ I hope Naminѐ likes chocobos…_

But when nothing came, and the cats stopped their meowing, Xion relaxed her tensed body. No claws came to scratch out her throat, no fangs bit her. Nothing.

She decided to peek out from her shielding arms, just to see if it was safe.

What she saw, however, was no cat.  
Nor was it an empty bathtub.

For sitting in her bathtub, sopping wet, right where the cat was sitting moments ago, was a man.

A soaking wet, utterly naked, man,

And he was fucking _hot_.

…

Oh yes, the gods of bitter irony and woe most certainly _did_ hate Xion.

* * *

**I don't even know. **

**Also, it shouldn't be that hard to guess who's in the tub, fufufufuu. :3**

**Yes, I think I need to stop shoving things up my nose, too, thanks much. **

**Uhh. Cats to be revealed in the next chapter (if you peoples like it, of course), and more madness will ensue. Because I love and hate sweet little Xion. c:**

**Review for the kitties? ;-;**

**..Dear God this chapter is long D:**

**EDIT: See, I knew I needed better contacts! Fixed a few little errors, kindly pointed out to me by sunflowerb. c:**


End file.
